F*** you, Cold. I have s*** to do.

No school, extra love and attention, all-day-marathons of Cartoon Network… back in the days catching a cold used to be sooooo d o p e.

And “Chosen People” was the term we used to describe those kids who spread the virus.

Well.

Things have changed since then.

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As an adult, you quickly realise that no one is nearly as eager to make you chicken soup or rub your feet, the way your mom was. Well, except for George.

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What’s more, the money that you would have spent on the after work margaritas is now wasted on the cough syrup  … which, o f  c o u r s e, doesn’t taste nearly as delicious as the purple one you had then you were eight.

The worst thing is that the work will still need to get done once you are back in the office, so you are even tempted to power through without taking a sick leave.

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I was blessed to grow up in the BG era – that is Before Google. Remember what life was like before you were able to google your symptoms?
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The next thing you know, you are staring at your screen with watering eyes, shivering,  sipping your cold syrup, and questioning yourself and your life choices: maybe I should find a less stressful job…? or warmer shoes…? or finally quit my Cosmic People of Light Powers’ group and its alien leader Ashtar Sheran…?

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You would keep wondering, but fortunately the natural remedies (aka Whiskey) are kicking in. So you drift to sleep… which thankfully remains just as pleasurable as it was a few decades ago.

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We’re all born naked, and the rest is drag

It might be the BlacKkKlansman movie I’ve recently watched… It might be “This is not natural” response to my boiling “Do you have anything against gaaaaays?”… Or it might just be these painful blisters on my feet from the new shoes I bought, that are one size smaller, but since it was the last pair, and on sale, basically half the regular price,  I thought….

Okey, what I am trying to say is that I am so-very-really-much fed up with the social exclusion and marginalisation.

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Seriously though…We’re all born naked, and the rest is draaaaaag.

So Me Too Have A Dream.

I hope everyone will wake up one sunny Sunday morning, eat their gluten-free-cereal-with-non-dairy-milk-from-zero-waste-store, go outside… and fall madly in love with someone completely radically different from themselves (and I mean eyes-popping-out-of-head-tongue-drooling-kind-of-thing).

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And then he will be like: “Listen, Suzie… I never seen such a beautiful green skin… And oh how galmourously you are wearing these crocs… The moment I saw your toothless smile I immediately knew you are the one.”

And Suzie be like: “I’m so flattered, Julius Caesar. But doesn’t it bother you, that I am into both – men and goats? Won’t your family reject me because I am such a devoted worshiper of GOD – Google Oriented Development?”

And Julius would just accept Suzie the Weirdo (by no means this is an insult – that’s her last name) just the way she is. In fact, nothing sounded more appealing to him than making half green, half Roman babies, farming goats, and SEOing for Google on the cold winter nights.

 

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I am not saying mixed babies are the answer. But they are.

As the Ancient Wisdom (that’s also the name by the way) proclaims: “Make love-that-sees-past-boundaries and mixed babies, not war”.

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I hope this will teach you… that buying small shoes, even on sale, it’s not a great idea.

Meet my alter ego Olga (VIDEO)

Have you met Olga?

So Olga is my alter ego. She is bold, she has a strong Russian accent and seemingly shady past.

I can’t really control when or how she shows up. But I have noticed that she particularly likes to make an appearance around the booze. And who can blame her.

She has been around for a while now, but I still don’t know her that well. To be honest, she doesn’t like to reveal a lot about herself.

I know I know…  she can come off as rough. It’s because she is. Except when she is talking about her two cows, a goat and four chicken.

While domesticated, Olga has big entrepreneurial ambitions and questionable business plans.

I love how courageous and direct she is. I admire that she says things that I would never dare to. She doesn’t mean to offend anyone. Most of the time. Sometimes she does.

Sometimes I am a bit scared of her. But what can I do – it’s not like I can change my alter ego… or can I? OOOOoohhh something new to discuss with my therapist on Monday.

For more Olga’s adventures, follow @_hippie_in_black_ on Instagram.

This is (not) about Tinder

When I found out I had two weeks to quit my apartment … I really totally completely kept my cool.

At least house hunting is fun, and packing is fun, and moving is fun, right?

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And running low on time, makes the process that much more exciting.

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Obviously, the almighty internet is where the apartment search began. And that’s when it dawned upon me how much house hunting resembles Tinder.

Some houses have a more elaborate profiles, naming everything included in the package. Others just barely show the location. And then there are those… that just shouldn’t be there to begin with.

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Exhausted from all the swipping and texting, you finally manage to “arrange a viewing” — which, by the way, is exactly how the first Tinder date should be called.

And then you get there…but wait? Whaaaaat? It doesn’t look anything like the pictures?

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I thought I was good at “only expect unexpected”… until I walked in the room with a hundred (seriously, a hundred) penguin soft toys creepily displayed in the corner . #TrueStorygiphy (2)

You know what they say – if you can convince them, confuse them.

So you sit there smiling, nodding, asking the same questions, pretending to listen, …but all you really wanna know is WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS? Spill the beans, show the skeletons, take the shirt off… Sorry where was I?

Oh yeah… Eventually, you decide to settle for a compromise: maybe the distance is a bit too big, maybe the ceiling is not as high as you imagined, maybe it looks a bit too old, too hipster, too hairy, or not hairy enough.

I mean, what else can you do, but follow your gut, risk it for a biscuit and hope for the best.

And that’s how, kids, I ended up with this Walrus suit.

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What did I learn in the past 27 years?#BirthdayEdition

Having just turned 27, I would like to proclaim that I’m wiser now than I’ve ever been. Not sure I can. But here are a few things that I stand by…. as for today.

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  1. Alcohol doesn’t solve problems. But neither does milk.
  2. Everyone is a little bit of an a$$hole. Try to be the tiniest one possible.atsisiųsti (1).png
  3. There is no angry way to say “bubbles”.
  4. Superheroes are real. They’re called moms.giphy (1).gif
  5. Literally, no one cares. So you might as well do you. I-saw-a-guy-at-Starbucks-today-No-iPhone-no-tablet.jpg
  6. Unless it’s a gut feeling, I’d say, go ahead and question it.3yYH.gif
  7. Karma is not a bitch.  If anything, it’s more like 69 #YouGetWhatYouGivebirthday giphy (1)
  8. Our hair was put on our heads to remind us, that we can’t control everything. anigif_enhanced-buzz-28034-1391550625-4.gif
  9. If life gets Britney-in-2007-kinda-overwhelming, take a nap…or fake your own death, move to Mexico, and live off Tacos and Tequilla. I mean… it’s your call.
  10. Everything is energy. Nothing is real. All is well.

 

Anyhooow…

Left-over cake, anyone?

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It’s time for me to come out

Mom, Dad, Friends, Starbucks staff…

It’s time for me to come clean.

 

Yes, you’ve guessed it – I am … a cat.

This can’t come as a complete surprise… I mean, there were signs. Like… well… my hair shed all over you.

You’ve also seen me confidently demanding for your attention, despite how busy, concentrated, or asleep you are.

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And then suddenly completely rejecting everything you have to offer,  just because.

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You’ve seen me soaking up the sunlight …

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…and excessively stretching on the floor.

CAT STRETCH

 

You’ve heard me purrrrr from satisfaction when your fingers press the right buttons …

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You also felt my cheeks rubbing against you. … Isn’t that odd?

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Well…that’s how proud I am to own you.

If I’ve ever let you get closer, which, I won’t admit I did, you might also got a glimpse of this face:

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And I am so sorry for all the attempts to physically harm you.

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These things happen. And they are bound to happen again. #SorryNotSorry

At times I might appear arrogant or indifferent…

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It’s only because I’m better than you. And everyone else.

Or more likely you just forgot to feed me. Repeat after me, “hungry equals grumpy”

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Every cat owner knows that nobody owns a cat.

But as long as you will let me do my thing as I please, I am quite a treat to be around.

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You’re welcome.

Meow.

 

 

How to make friends as an adult and look only a little bit desperate

I knew that once I move to Birmingham, I will have to start searching for new fellow humans to connect to. I just forgot how uncomfortable and time consuming it is. And to be honest, I like to allocate to the Universe most of my to-do’s like money-making, food-making, love-making…

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But there are a few ways in which I tend to assist the Universe, when it comes to friend-making. For example:

Making new friends

If that doesn’t work for you, here are a few tips:

YES MAN

ABC (Anything But Clothes) theme party? I’m in! Of course I want to come to the competitive duck herding! Zombie apocalypse survival training course? Where do I sign up?

Basically – YES YES YES to everything that doesn’t land you in jail… or STD clinic. You know, like that movie:

BE INITIATOR

Recieving invitations are dope. But if there are none…

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… it pays off to be the one who initiates the after-work drinks or hot tube cinema night.

BECOMING A REGULAR SOMEWHERE

Yes, technically we could be friends with anyone (dibs on Michelle Obama). However, studies show that what we actually need to form a close friendship is proximity, frequent unplanned interactions, and an environment that allows us to open up to each other.

To increase the chances – pick a place and go there regularly. For instance, I chose one coffee shop, one church and one gin distillery in town.

Also, once there, it’s important to be approachable. For instance, I like to bring a golden fish with me wherever I go – best wingman e v e r.

NO EXPECTATIONS

If Tinder taught us anything, it’s how easily we can reject people.

But… maybe it’s okey not to find everything you are looking for in one person. Maybe some friends are for gallery openings, some for dancing on the bar, some are there to make you look better in the picture and others to remind you that :

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So I try to keep my expectations open. You know what they say – “everyone is interesting, if you are interested. Except for Jeremy.”

Asking good questions, remembering names and listening – that’s what really makes a difference. No, wait…My mistake. It’s bringing cookies and buying rounds of tequila. Well, you can try and let me know.