This is (not) about Tinder

When I found out I had two weeks to quit my apartment … I really totally completely kept my cool.

At least house hunting is fun, and packing is fun, and moving is fun, right?

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And running low on time, makes the process that much more exciting.

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Obviously, the almighty internet is where the apartment search began. And that’s when it dawned upon me how much house hunting resembles Tinder.

Some houses have a more elaborate profiles, naming everything included in the package. Others just barely show the location. And then there are those… that just shouldn’t be there to begin with.

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Exhausted from all the swipping and texting, you finally manage to “arrange a viewing” — which, by the way, is exactly how the first Tinder date should be called.

And then you get there…but wait? Whaaaaat? It doesn’t look anything like the pictures?

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I thought I was good at “only expect unexpected”… until I walked in the room with a hundred (seriously, a hundred) penguin soft toys creepily displayed in the corner . #TrueStorygiphy (2)

You know what they say – if you can convince them, confuse them.

So you sit there smiling, nodding, asking the same questions, pretending to listen, …but all you really wanna know is WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS? Spill the beans, show the skeletons, take the shirt off… Sorry where was I?

Oh yeah… Eventually, you decide to settle for a compromise: maybe the distance is a bit too big, maybe the ceiling is not as high as you imagined, maybe it looks a bit too old, too hipster, too hairy, or not hairy enough.

I mean, what else can you do, but follow your gut, risk it for a biscuit and hope for the best.

And that’s how, kids, I ended up with this Walrus suit.

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What did I learn in the past 27 years?#BirthdayEdition

Having just turned 27, I would like to proclaim that I’m wiser now than I’ve ever been. Not sure I can. But here are a few things that I stand by…. as for today.

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  1. Alcohol doesn’t solve problems. But neither does milk.
  2. Everyone is a little bit of an a$$hole. Try to be the tiniest one possible.atsisiųsti (1).png
  3. There is no angry way to say “bubbles”.
  4. Superheroes are real. They’re called moms.giphy (1).gif
  5. Literally, no one cares. So you might as well do you. I-saw-a-guy-at-Starbucks-today-No-iPhone-no-tablet.jpg
  6. Unless it’s a gut feeling, I’d say, go ahead and question it.3yYH.gif
  7. Karma is not a bitch.  If anything, it’s more like 69 #YouGetWhatYouGivebirthday giphy (1)
  8. Our hair was put on our heads to remind us, that we can’t control everything. anigif_enhanced-buzz-28034-1391550625-4.gif
  9. If life gets Britney-in-2007-kinda-overwhelming, take a nap…or fake your own death, move to Mexico, and live off Tacos and Tequilla. I mean… it’s your call.
  10. Everything is energy. Nothing is real. All is well.

 

Anyhooow…

Left-over cake, anyone?

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It’s time for me to come out

Mom, Dad, Friends, Starbucks staff…

It’s time for me to come clean.

 

Yes, you’ve guessed it – I am … a cat.

This can’t come as a complete surprise… I mean, there were signs. Like… well… my hair shed all over you.

You’ve also seen me confidently demanding for your attention, despite how busy, concentrated, or asleep you are.

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And then suddenly completely rejecting everything you have to offer,  just because.

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You’ve seen me soaking up the sunlight …

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…and excessively stretching on the floor.

CAT STRETCH

 

You’ve heard me purrrrr from satisfaction when your fingers press the right buttons …

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You also felt my cheeks rubbing against you. … Isn’t that odd?

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Well…that’s how proud I am to own you.

If I’ve ever let you get closer, which, I won’t admit I did, you might also got a glimpse of this face:

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And I am so sorry for all the attempts to physically harm you.

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These things happen. And they are bound to happen again. #SorryNotSorry

At times I might appear arrogant or indifferent…

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It’s only because I’m better than you. And everyone else.

Or more likely you just forgot to feed me. Repeat after me, “hungry equals grumpy”

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Every cat owner knows that nobody owns a cat.

But as long as you will let me do my thing as I please, I am quite a treat to be around.

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You’re welcome.

Meow.

 

 

How to make friends as an adult and look only a little bit desperate

I knew that once I move to Birmingham, I will have to start searching for new fellow humans to connect to. I just forgot how uncomfortable and time consuming it is. And to be honest, I like to allocate to the Universe most of my to-do’s like money-making, food-making, love-making…

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But there are a few ways in which I tend to assist the Universe, when it comes to friend-making. For example:

Making new friends

If that doesn’t work for you, here are a few tips:

YES MAN

ABC (Anything But Clothes) theme party? I’m in! Of course I want to come to the competitive duck herding! Zombie apocalypse survival training course? Where do I sign up?

Basically – YES YES YES to everything that doesn’t land you in jail… or STD clinic. You know, like that movie:

BE INITIATOR

Recieving invitations are dope. But if there are none…

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… it pays off to be the one who initiates the after-work drinks or hot tube cinema night.

BECOMING A REGULAR SOMEWHERE

Yes, technically we could be friends with anyone (dibs on Michelle Obama). However, studies show that what we actually need to form a close friendship is proximity, frequent unplanned interactions, and an environment that allows us to open up to each other.

To increase the chances – pick a place and go there regularly. For instance, I chose one coffee shop, one church and one gin distillery in town.

Also, once there, it’s important to be approachable. For instance, I like to bring a golden fish with me wherever I go – best wingman e v e r.

NO EXPECTATIONS

If Tinder taught us anything, it’s how easily we can reject people.

But… maybe it’s okey not to find everything you are looking for in one person. Maybe some friends are for gallery openings, some for dancing on the bar, some are there to make you look better in the picture and others to remind you that :

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So I try to keep my expectations open. You know what they say – “everyone is interesting, if you are interested. Except for Jeremy.”

Asking good questions, remembering names and listening – that’s what really makes a difference. No, wait…My mistake. It’s bringing cookies and buying rounds of tequila. Well, you can try and let me know.

Text me when you get home

Drunk girls in bathrooms are the most empowering and supportive people on the planet and we should all be more like drunk girls in bathrooms,  states ancient wisdom. However, the myths and legends about women hating other women have also been around for ages. Let’s just say that female relationships can be a bit confusing:

 

Basically, you can’t have a spice-girls-knock-off band, which most of us have joined at some point in life, without a little hair pulling and nail scratching.

Back in the days, the sisterhood was glued together by matching bracelets,  sleep-overs with practical witchcraft and teaming up against Regina, the common enemy. Now it’s more about Sunday brunches, Happy Hour Martinis and regretful dating decisions… But your friend shouting “Text me when you get home” from across the street after the stormy night out, reminds you that what matters hasn’t changed. We are there for each other. We care. And we might make out, depending on how full is the moon and how empty is the bottle of rose.

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In other words. Find your tribe. Love them hard.

 

P.S.

Polaroid Picture Frame: https://www.tuxpi.com/photo-effects/photo-paper

Got robbed, moved to a new country and started a new job – all in 24 hours

Winson Green Prison is what I’m seeing through my window, as I am sitting here, at my desk, ready to type. While it’s quite intense to live just across the street from those large marble walls, wire fences and watchtowers, that’s not where I got robbed a few days ago…

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You might know that I have moved to a new country before. This time, however, I found myself in a new city with no phone, no money, no credit card, and no family or friends around.

So yes…  I did shed a tear. Well, maybe a few. Okey okey … I might have cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward a few hours:  I woke up in a dark room, being all ….

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Where am I…? What’s happening…? Whose scull is this…?

 Oh yes, right… it’s my first day at the new job.

Finding the office with no knowledge of the city, no GPS, no Uber, and absolutely no sense of direction, required some old-school map drawing.

I still haven’t got myself a new phone, relying on strangers to tell me the time, to show the right direction or to point out that I have tooth paste stuck in my hair.

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Jokes aside, it is terrifying to be so helpless. Yet it did make me immensely grateful for friends and family who have my back. It was also a very needed reminder not to take for granted things like being able to buy food in a supermarket. Seriously, guys, I almost teared up in that aisle of canned beans…

And with this “Beast from the East” outside (which, apparently, isn’t a reference to Vladimir, but rather the British media’s code for snow storm), I just wish that everyone had a warm blanket and a full belly…

 

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Let’s be kind to one another…..

PROS and CONS of moving to a new country again, and again, and….

I call it globe-trotting. They call it commitment issues. I call it opportunism. They are calling the police on me. Yes, it might look like I am on the run from the Russian Mafia. Well, it’s because I am. But that’s the whole other story.

From Lithuania to the US, then to the UK, then to France, to Malaysia, to Germany, to South Korea, to Vietnam, to Japan, to Belgium… And here, once again, I find myself in the same position – perching on top of the suitcase in an attempt to close the zip.

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So here are some re-occorring PROS and CONS that come with changing the home address every six months or so.

THE CONS OF CONSTANTLY MOVING

Nothing is too familiar

Moving to a new place turns me into a giant baby, who, for a few months, is wobbling around and looking all confused and disoriented.

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“Where am I?”, “How much would that be in euros?”, “Why should I avoid this neighbourhood?”, “How do you say ‘morning-after pill’?” – well, you get the picture.

– Friendships/relationships that don’t survive the distance

Re-creating social circle over and over again means, that most of “Aren’t you afraid that Freud was right, and all your future relationships are doomed to embody your daddy issues?”-sort-of conversations have to be replaced by “What did you say your name was?”.

And I’m not even going to start discussing the hardship of keeping the relationship with my ….

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– A life that fits in a suitcase

“OMG!! This is the most cosy house I have EVER seen!!” is my usual reaction to literally ANY mediocre place that has a candle, a carpet and anything framed.

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Because I myself don’t really have much stuff. Or any stuff. My shopping trips usually consist of me filling my cart up, and then slowly putting everything back, because I know I would need to pack it, sell it or throw it away in a few months. And as chic as “being a minimalist” sounds, it would be nice, for once, to buy a book, a mug or a marble lion statue…

THE PROS OF CONSTANTLY MOVING

– Nothing is too familiar

Once in a new place, even the most dull everyday activities, like shopping in the supermarket, taking a metro or kidnapping a child become exciting.

Especially if you also tend to take which ever bus comes first, because you have read “The Alchemist” and have convinced yourself that everything in life is an Omen. #TrueStory

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– Friendships/relationship that don’t survive the distance

Since no one knows who you are – you are free to be whoever you want to be. It is as liberating as deleting your browser history. Plus, what a great opportunity to adopt that accent you’ve been perfecting in front of your bathroom mirror !

– A life that fit’s in a suitcase

Living with only the essentials means that there’s less stuff to clean, to break, to lose, to lend, to put on fire…

Alsoooo… It would will be way easier to shove all my stuff into a bag and jump on the white horse once Prince Charming – with thick black hair, large dark eyes and firm square jaw covered with at least one, maybe two, day’s growth of beard – comes to pick me up, as the sun will be falling below the horizon and Lion Richie songs will be playing in a background… mhmmmm.. but I mean… who is even thinking about that….

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As nice as chatting with myself is, I gotta go and finish packing now… Farewell Beautiful People! **smoke bomb **

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